Crazy Camelot
by leefert
Summary: Story inspired by Third Watch and the members of 3rdwatch.net


Crazy Camelot By Lee Graff  
  
*****DISCLAIMER******  
  
The story you are about to read is meant only for fun. The characters used therein are Not meant to insult anyone. Enjoy reading!  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Once upon time, there existed a kingdom called Camelot. No, Arthur was not the king. The king of Camelot was DK, his queen, Mimsy. They had a daughter, Matty, who was in every sense of the word, a princess. They lived happily with the citizens of Camelot. DK was a fair ruler. They were protected by the Knights of the 55 Table, led by Sir Bosco. (as a side note, somehow I am a direct descendant of this bunch, oh and I'm Nikki, here to tell you the story of my crazy ancestors. WOOT WOOT)  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Princess Matty. Your mother implores that you join her and your father in the Royal Dining room post haste." Messenger Walsh says.  
  
"What now. Can you not see that I am reading? How must a young maiden learn of the world if she cannot be left alone to her reading?" Princess Matty responded.  
  
"Your highness, please do as your mother begs. Walsh is but the messenger. Must you always argue with the messenger?" Michelle, Matty's closest friend and attendant asked.  
  
"Michelle, must you always pretend to know what is right?" Matty shoots back.  
  
"I am just saying that we mustn't keep your mother waiting."  
  
*~*~*~*~* On the tournament field, just beyond the walls of the castle, Sir Bosco and the other knights are jousting.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sir Doherty, SKEWER THIS!" Sir Bosco yells as the two knights charge towards each other on their horses. His lance catches the shoulder of Sir Doherty's armor and Sir Doherty falls from his horse.  
  
"Taylor! I thought that you were going to fix this thin spot in my armor! I could have been killed!" Sir Doherty shouts.  
  
"It must have slipped my mind!" Taylor replied.  
  
*~*~*~*~* The other knights laughed. The newly dubbed Sir Carlos came running in. His armor was sized much to large. He trips over his sword and falls face first into the mud. The others laugh. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sir Carlos? We should have dubbed him, Sir Clumsy!" Sir Parker roared.  
  
Sir Myer added, "Yeah, Sir Carlos the Clumsy!" "I can still hear you, though my helmet is stuck in the mud!" Sir Carlos called out from the mud.  
  
"Sir Alfster, Sir Charlie, help our good comrade to his feet." Sir Bosco instructed.  
  
The two pulled him to his feet and when they let go, he fell over backwards.  
  
"I'll work on that." Taylor chirped.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
In the Royal Dining Room sits a handsome Prince, along with the King and Queen. *~*~*~*~*  
  
The King speaks. "Our daughter is very shy. She spends far too much time reading her books."  
  
"Such a waste for a young princess." The Queen adds  
  
Before the Prince could respond the King breaks in  
  
"Here comes my little pumpkin now."  
  
The Prince stands up and turns to see the beautiful Princess descend the stairs with her attendants and the messenger.  
  
"Sir, Madam, your daughter as you requested." The messenger says as the Princess enters the room.  
  
"Thank you, that will be all for now." The King gestures for the attendants and the messenger to exit.  
  
"Sit down." The King motions. "Matty, this is Prince Davis from Krispy Kreme land. It is our neighboring country ruled by Queen Annie has come to take your hand in marriage."  
  
"What? I don't want to be married!" Matty protested.  
  
"Pumpkin. You are a young woman. We have allowed you to go far too long without being married. You WILL be married!" The Queen demanded.  
  
"I do not want to be married, and I refuse to be married!" Matty screamed *~*~*~*~* She stormed out of the room, and out of the castle her attendants, Michelle, Laura, and Lauren in tow. She stormed past the knights and on towards the picnic grounds where the Royal painter was painting. She ran right into him. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Aw. My beautiful painting! Ruined!" The painter Gusler exclaimed in a cheap French accent.  
  
The Princess paused and looked at the painter, and the painting. "Picasso!" She then continued on.  
  
"Picasso? Who is Picasso?" Gusler questioned *~*~*~*~*  
  
The Princess kept running. She got to the lake. The Royal Worrywart was there. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"We are all doomed! The Evil Warlock Christopher and Witch Cruz are coming. They're coming I tell you!" Kim exclaimed.  
  
"Great, we're not in Kansas anymore!" Matty exclaimed.  
  
"What is this Kansas you speak of Princess?" Kim  
  
"Never mind! Return to your worrying! Be gone!" Matty shooed the lady on.  
  
"We're all doomed! Doomed I say! Doomed." Kim continues screaming. *~*~*~*~* Matty throws a frog that hits the worrier in the head. She is knocked cold. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"That should solve everything." Matty comments as her attendants laugh.  
  
"Well, not everything." Michelle commented  
  
"Yeah, how are you going to get out of marrying the totem pole?" Lauren asked.  
  
"Well." Matty stuttered.  
  
"Close your mouth, the flies will get in!" Laura laughed.  
  
"You want the next frog?" Matty grinned. *~*~*~*~*  
  
Meanwhile, back at the castle, the yitty hot knights were with the King. The Duke and Duchess of Dunkin Land, and the Royal Scribe are there as well. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"I would first like to introduce you to the future groom of my daughter. This is Prince Davis." The King proudly says. "Duke Johnson, Duchess Laurie, glad that you could join us. We shall have a feast shortly. Messenger, get me the Royal Chef post haste! We shall have a banquet to celebrate. Inform the jesters!"  
  
*~*~*~*~* The Wizard Sully runs into the room. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"You majesty!" He bows "The, the, the wicked witch is planning, planning."  
  
"Spit it out man!" Sir Bosco yells.  
  
"Alright. The wicked witch is planning an attack with the warlock Christopher."  
  
"My good man, have you been drinking?" Sir Doherty asks, as he smells a nasty odor.  
  
"Why yes, yes I have, it's a family brew. Want some?" Sully asks.  
  
"No, that's perfectly fine. You can keep it." Sir Doherty says as he turns away.  
  
*~*~*~*~* The Royal Advisor, Jo, and the Royal Chef walk into the hall. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Your Highness." Jo bows. "What is that foul smell?"  
  
"Sorry, I was just leaving." Sully said as he ducked out.  
  
"You were saying Jo?" The King questioned.  
  
"The warlord is at it again. He had the witch cast a spell on the Royal Loudmouth, look!" Jo said. "This cockatoo used to be the town crier, Walter! And the dog over there, that used to be the Royal Zookeeper, Mantooth!"  
  
"Oh no! Where is my daughter?" The Queen yelled.  
  
"She was headed towards the picnic grounds last I saw" Sir Myer said.  
  
"I want her brought back immediately!" The King roared.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sir Bosco and the other knights scrambled to their horses. Sir Carlos got on, then fell right back off. He tried again with the same result.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Do we need to install a seatbelt for you?" Sir Parker asked.  
  
"NO! I'm fine!" Sir Carlos exclaimed as he fell to the ground again.  
  
"I really should work on that." Taylor exclaimed.  
  
"Yeah, you should." Sir Charlie added. *~*~*~*~*  
  
They were finally able to keep Sir Carlos on top of his horse and rode off to the picnic grounds. They passed the Royal Painter. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Picasso!" Sir Bosco said as he rode by.  
  
"WHO IS PICASSO?" Gusler screamed as the knights rode off. *~*~*~*~*  
  
The Princess and her attendants were sitting by the lake talking. A huge dragon appeared across the lake. The girls screamed. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"HELP US!" screamed the Princess.  
  
"Yum. Suppertime! And 4 nice pretty girls to call my dinner." Grinned the dragon.  
  
"This isn't good. This isn't good. Not good! Very bad!" Muttered Kim.  
  
"SHUT UP!" yelled Lauren.  
  
"Not good. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Kim continued.  
  
"Hey dragon! Do us all a favor and eat her first would you?" the Princess asked.  
  
"Nope. She might give me heartburn." The Dragon replied.  
  
"Heartburn? That's all you're worried about is, HEARTBURN? Why when the knights find out." Princess Matty exclaimed.  
  
"They will never know, you'll be gone!" The dragon grabbed Princess Matty "Ummmmm.. Princess.. I heard they taste just like chicken!" *~*~*~*~*  
  
The attendants grab the dragon's tail *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Put her down you big, you big." Laura tries to get out  
  
"You big meany!" Lauren yells.  
  
"I'm about to be eaten and that's all you can say, MEANY?" Matty exclaims.  
  
"Hark! I hear the trumpets. Here come the knights!" Michelle adds.  
  
"Ooooooo... The knights. I am so scared. Can you tell?" The Dragon dryly said.  
  
"Actually, you are shaking a little. What is that smell?" Matty asked.  
  
"Uh oh. I don't feel so good." The dragon exclaims.  
  
"Man! Couldn't you have waited to do that?" Michelle questions.  
  
"I can't help it! I am a big fellow and my feelings are hurt easily!" the Dragon cries.  
  
"Awwww.. poor baby you need a hug!" Matty says.  
  
"No! No! No hugs! I hate hugs.. Dang it!" the Dragon screams as Matty hugs him. *~*~*~*~*  
  
The attendants laugh. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Here we come to save the day!" Exclaims Sir Alfster as the knights ride over the hill.  
  
"That's a.. That's a." Sir Carlos mumbles.  
  
"Spit it out!" Yells Sir Charlie.  
  
Sir Carlos's voice squeaks out, "That's a Dragon!"  
  
"And we knighted him for what reason?" Sir Parker asks.  
  
"Uh. Comic relief?" Sir Doherty answers.  
  
"Unhand the Princess you vial beast!" Exclaims Sir Bosco.  
  
"Ah! I'm being hugged!" Screams the dragon. "I said unhand the Princess!" Sir Bosco repeats. *~*~*~*~* Sir Carlos attempts to stop his horse, but he is unable to. He runs right into the dragon. This sends the Princess flying. Sir Alfster gets his horse running full speed. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"I've got her, I've got her!" He yells as she falls and he catches her.  
  
"My hero!" Princess Matty blushes. *~*~*~*~*  
  
The knights take the girls back to the castle, but first Sir Bosco talks to the dragon. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Do us a favor. You want a free lunch, eat in some other kingdom! But there's a Warlock and a Witch, just over that hill there. Eat them! They taste just like chicken!" Sir Bosco points out.  
  
"Oh goody! Free lunch! Free lunch!" The dragon exclaims  
  
*~*~*~*~* The dragon jumped up and down clapping his hands together. The kingdom nevin had a problem from him again. The reentered the Royal Dining Room. The Royal Chef, Faith, had just been discussing what a feast they should have. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"The Royal family wants duck, duck, goose! And a side of salad, some yams, and.." Faith continues rambling on. "Green eggs and ham!" *~*~*~*~* The knights go on to tell about the adventure with the dragon. The Royal Scribe, Meg records. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay, so let me make sure I got this right. You, Princess Matty, knocked Kim out with a frog. Then a giant dragon was going to eat you. Sir Clumsy, I mean Carlos ran into the dragon. Then Sir Alfster caught you before you fell to the ground. Sir Bosco told the dragon to go eat the Warlock and Witch. And now we are having a feast?" The Scribe asks.  
  
"Yep, sounds like you got it all!" Princess Matty responds. *~*~*~*~* Sully comes running into the room, tripping over the carpet *~*~*~*~*  
  
"The. The.. The." Sully stutters  
  
"The what? Spit it out man!" Jo yells.  
  
"The DRAGON!" Sully exclaimed  
  
"I thought I told that jagoff to leave this kingdom!" Sir Bosco yells.  
  
"No! The dragon ate the witch and warlock!" Sully manages to get out.  
  
"Huh?" Jo wonders  
  
"He ATE them! Our troubles are over! But he's dead now." Sully solemnly adds.  
  
"May we bow our heads for the dragon." The King says.  
  
"Foods here! Let's eat!" Yells the young Prince  
  
"What do we have?" asks the Duke.  
  
"Is that green eggs and ham?" the Duchess asks.  
  
"Why I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them Sam I am!" the Prince says.  
  
"Who the hell is Sam I am, and what is he doing in this kingdom?" Yells Jo.  
  
"Look! We have duck, duck, goose!" Screams the Prince.  
  
"Did I hear someone say, DUCK DUCK GOOSE?" Screams the Jester *~*~*~*~* The Jester Lee and assistant Jester Jess bust into the room. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Why HA! I did hear duck, duck, goose." Lee says.  
  
"He, me too!" Jess adds.  
  
"Ho!" Lee returns.  
  
"What did you just call me? I thought you said Ho!" Jess yells.  
  
"Why I did say Ho, but never called you a Ho."  
  
"You did it again!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You called me a Ho."  
  
"No, Ho is what I said, I never called you a ho!"  
  
"You did!"  
  
"Ha!"  
  
"He!"  
  
"Ho!"  
  
"You did it again!"  
  
"No, I didn't. Now, we have guests to entertain!" Lee finishes.  
  
"Jester, why not show our guests your flaming juggling act." The Queen asks.  
  
"My pleasure Queen."  
  
*~*~*~*~* The Jester pulls the three balls from a pouch and lights them on fire. Tossing each to the assistant. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Ouch! Hot, hot, hot!" Jess screams tossing each in the air only to catch them again.  
  
"Uh oh! You're on fire!" Lee chuckles  
  
"PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!"  
  
"Should I?"  
  
"YES! YES! PUT IT OUT!"  
  
"You asked for it!" Lee says. *~*~*~*~* Lee exits the room returning moments later in a funny black suit and hat and a hose. She turns it on full blast knocking Jess off her feet and across the room. This gets the laughter of everyone in the room. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Thank you. Thank you! But we have only just begun!" Lee bows. *~*~*~*~* The guests enjoy an evening of food and spirits. During dinner a pink rabbit with a drum came barging through the room. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"What on earth was that monstrosity?" The Queen demanded.  
  
"That I do not know, but it was cute. Can I keep him?" the Princess asked.  
  
"NO! Absolutely not!" the King replied.  
  
"Aw.. But it's so cute!" the Princess cried.  
  
"NO! N-O. NO NO NO NO NO!" the Queen shouted.  
  
"Um. Matty, I think that was a NO." Michelle added.  
  
"But I want a bunny!" pouted the Princess.  
  
"I can give you a bunny." The Prince replied.  
  
"I want a pink one with fluffy ears!" Matty insisted  
  
"We shall see what I can do." The Prince replied.  
  
"Goody, goody!" Matty excitedly replied.  
  
*~*~*~*~* As dinner was finishing the Royal Musicians entered the room. They were followed once again by the Jesters. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sirs, Madams. Prepare to be amazed! I will shoot this apple off of my assistant's head. But, with a slight twist! I will do so with a flaming arrow, blindfolded. If I miss, she could be killed. Let's pray that I don't miss!" *~*~*~*~*  
  
Lee lined Jess up against a wall. She placed the apple atop Jess's hat. Jess was trembling in fear. Lee walked back to the other side of the hall and pulled out the blindfold. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sir Bosco, would you mind lighting my arrow please?" Lee asked as she prepared to put on the blindfold.  
  
"Lee, you better not miss!" Screamed Jess in fear.  
  
"I won't miss. Trust me!" *~*~*~*~*  
  
Lee tied the blindfold around her head and took the arrow from Sir Bosco. She prepared to shoot when the King interceded. *~*~*~*~* "Why surely you must have better things to do than kill your assistant!" The King said.  
  
"I shall not kill my assistant. I have preformed this trick in many other kingdoms before, never once losing my assistant." Lee replied.  
  
"Oh well then, carry on!" the King added as he returned to his seat. *~*~*~*~*  
  
Lee again prepared to shoot the arrow off of Jess's head when the Queen interceded. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Just a word of caution to you." The Queen started  
  
"Can we make this quick? The arrow is starting to get a little warm." Lee quipped.  
  
"If your assistant is killed, you go to the tower." The Queen replied.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
Lee gulped hard. The thought of the tower was not a pleasant thought at all. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Here goes nothing!" Lee said as she released the arrow. *~*~*~*~*  
  
A hush came over the entire room as all eyes watched the flaming arrow. Jess's eyes grew to the size of oranges as the arrow headed straight for her. She ducked, leaving her hat and apple in the air. There was a loud thump heard. Lee removed the blindfold to see the apple haves on the ground and the arrow in the wall. Everyone in the room applauded. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This was all made possible by the support of Jess, and people like you! Take a bow Jess, you did wonderful!" Lee said.  
  
"Wonderful. Bravo! Bravo!" The Queen said.  
  
"Come! Join us in feast!" The King motioned for the jesters to be added to the meal.  
  
"Wow. That was some trick." The Princess remarked.  
  
"I can have tricks like that for you whenever you want." The Prince replied.  
  
"You really are trying to get me to like you." The Princess smiled.  
  
"I'm lonely." The Prince gave her the puppy dog eye look. "Okay, okay! I will marry you, just don't go crying on me!" The Princess gave in.  
  
"Really?" The Prince was excited. "We're getting married!"  
  
"I knew your daughter would come around." The advisor told the King.  
  
"I should have listened to you. Sometimes I believe that you know my daughter better than I." He replied. "Let's have a toast. Attendant, poor my daughter a cup of water, everyone else, my finest wine!"  
  
*~*~*~*~* The attendants poured the wine and everyone raised their glasses. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"To the marriage of Prince Davis, and Princess Matty. May they always have wondrous adventures and a beautiful kingdom." The King toasted.  
  
*~*~*~*~* Everyone clinked their glasses and drank to the toast. The musicians started playing the Chicken Dance. The room erupted in laughter as everyone attempted to dance along. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"The Chicken Dance!" Elmo exclaimed. "Elmo wants to be a chicken. Elmo wants to be a duck. Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack, Quack."  
  
"Hey freaky red dude. Who the hell are you and how did you get here?" The Royal Advisor yelled.  
  
"I'm Elmo!"  
  
"Well Elmo. GET OUT!" The Advisor added.  
  
*~*~*~*~* Elmo left. And everyone continued with the feast. The jester pulled a marshmallow chicken out of her pouch. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"What is that thing?" Jess asked.  
  
"Marshmallow Peep." Lee replied  
  
"Can I have one?" Jess asked.  
  
"No. They are my peeps!" Lee replied.  
  
"What is the rule in this kingdom?" The Queen stood with arms crossed tapping foot on floor.  
  
"Share and share alike." Lee replied looking at the floor.  
  
"Now share!" The Queen demanded.  
  
*~*~*~*~* Lee passed around the marshmallow peeps. The musicians played on. It was time for their final song. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Everyone. This is the final song of the evening. How about a group sing along?" The head musician said.  
  
*~*~*~*~*  
  
They started the introduction. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sunny days. Sweepin' the clouds away  
  
On my way to where the air is sweet  
  
Can you tell me how to get,  
  
How to get to Sesame Street."  
  
*~*~*~*~* Everyone begins to sing. Elmo returns with a crutch, just like Tiny Tim. Everyone stops singing and watches him. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"God bless us. Everyone!" Elmo exclaimed. "Hey! You guys were singing my theme song!"  
  
"What's a theme song?" Meg asked. "And how I am going to write this?"  
  
"It's an introductory song. To a. never mind! Let's sing it again!" Elmo replied.  
  
*~*~*~*~* Everyone was still puzzled by Elmo, but they all returned to singing. Excuse me while I join them.  
  
Everyone lines up and starts swaying back and forth singing. *~*~*~*~*  
  
"Sunny Day  
  
Sweepin' the clouds away  
  
On my way to where the air is sweet  
  
Can you tell me how to get,  
  
How to get to Sesame Street  
  
Come and play  
  
Everything's A-OK  
  
Friendly neighbors there  
  
That's where we meet  
  
Can you tell me how to get  
  
How to get to Sesame Street  
  
It's a magic carpet ride  
  
Every door will open wide  
  
To Happy people like you--  
  
Happy people like  
  
What a beautiful  
  
Sunny Day  
  
Sweepin' the clouds away  
  
On my way to where the air is sweet  
  
Can you tell me how to get,  
  
How to get to Sesame street...  
  
How to get to Sesame Street"  
  
*~*~*~*~* "Everyone was laughing at the end of the song. And as every fairytale ending goes. They all lived." Nikki attempts to say as Elmo interrupts.  
  
"Wait!" Elmo exclaims.  
  
"What is it Elmo?" Nikki asks  
  
"I wanna say it!" Elmo replies  
  
"Okay Elmo. Say it."  
  
"And they all lived happily ever after!" Elmo says. "The End!" *~*~*~*~*  
  
The Cast (in order of appearance)  
  
Narrator Nikki Royal Messenger Walsh Princess Matty Attendant Michelle Sir Bosco Bosco Sir Doherty Jimmy Royal Armor Maker Alex Sir Parker Doc Sir Myer Jason Sir Carlos Carlos Sir Alfster Alfster Sir Charlie Charlie King DK Queen Mimsy Prince Davis Queen of Krispy Kreme Land Annie Attendants Laura, Lauren Royal Painter Gusler Royal Worrywart Kim Frog Himself Duke of Dunkinland Lieutenant Johnson Duchess of Dunkinland Laurie Royal Scribe Meg Wizard Sully Royal Advisor Crazy Town Crier Walter the Cockatoo Royal Zookeeper Mantooth the Dalmatian Dragon Puff the Magic Dragon Jester Lee Assistant Jester Jess Pink Rabbit Energizer Bunny Royal Musicians A bunch of people Elmo Himself  
  
Special thanks to all involved in the production.  
  
Thanks to Jess for being my editor Thanks to Matty for being the inspiration Thanks to Lauren for making me laugh during production Thanks to those of you who are used as characters. Without you this story would be nothing! Thanks to all of you who read this. I hope that you didn't laugh too hard! 


End file.
